These words were from my mother, after she passed. They changed my life.
You are not going to survive!
The doctor told our mother “You are not going to survive this.”
WHAT! I knew she wasn’t well but What! Questioning what I just heard, “Did I hear right?”
My world just shattered into a million pieces. I knew what I heard but couldn’t comprehend the magnitude of it. Total denial! Am I having a bad dream?
All of a sudden I had a nose bleed and it was gushing out. Grabbing the tissue after tissue wondering what the heck is going on? I don’t get nose bleeds! My minds translation of what had been said was completely a foreign language, that I didn’t understand.
While I was having this inner battle, they started moving our mother to another room, set her up and made her comfortable, basically for her final moments.
I then shut down emotionally, because we needed to contact friends and family. Physically present and functioning but really no one was home. I didn’t even know where home was anymore, home was our mother. You can’t take our mother!
You never think about not having your loved ones around, and if you do, it doesn’t last because they are right there. Our mother was going to live forever! We always joked about that because she was so strong and capable.
Our mother was a warrior her whole life. It just didn’t compute! I just couldn’t make sense of anything. How do you make sense of that?
Being the eldest child I felt obligated to keep it together and be strong (just like my mama)Well I wasn’t! So empty inside, so emotionless. I had lost myself in an uncontrollable downward spiral and kept falling into endlessness.
How does anyone get through such an experience?
Our Mother passed.
Our mother passed away two years today!
If there ever is a feeling of a broken heart, mine broke that day! That pain is like no other pain I had ever experienced. I had never lost anyone that close to me before. There was no solid ground to keep me stable. I’m going to lose my grip.
The foundation of my whole life, is gone. I don’t think those words registered “She’s gone” Even though I am looking at our mother laying there, it just didn’t seem real.
I don’t remember much of that following year. Managed a great job of faking a smile. Well at least I believed so. I’m pretty sure I didn’t fool anyone but it was the best I could come up with at the time.
You don’t know what you have until it’s gone.
Its true. You don’t know what you have til it’s gone. Well, I got a hard lesson in this. No longer could I go visit her. No longer will she be there to smooth the path. No longer there!
After a year, of aimlessly enduring daily living, trying to take care of my family and working, I clearly heard my mother say ” That’s Enough Daughter! Now Go be the Best you can Be!”
She was right! I had been moping around, drenched in self-pity, angry, not really interested in anything or anybody. Smorgasbord of emotions all dished up on my plate! And it was not palatable at all!
I think I got a brain cell back in that moment lol From that day forward, I decided to take my mother’s advice. I worked on the good memories of my journey with this amazing lady. She was far from perfect, but who is, but she was my Mama!
She had many strengths. Her generosity was abundant. One of the most generous ladies I know. Her work ethic was work hard and give 100%, be honest and be punctual.
But her love for her family and friends was limitless. She is our Queen. She is our Matriarch. She is a Warrior. She is our Mama.
If You are listening Mama…
I miss you. I miss you so much. It has been a real challenge without you. I miss visiting you and you make everything better. I am even missing the growlings when I am stubborn. 🙂 Still stubborn by the way haha
You had a powerful presence of love in your physical but it is mightier now. We may be still a little messed up but it’s okay because we will pull through.
I’m doing much better now mama, actually I am doing great! I heard your words and I’m Doing my Do 🙂 I’m gathering my shattered pieces back together slowly but surely. My heart is beating more happier sounds these days. Hearing those words”That’s enough daughter,” from you, changed my life. Thank you, Mama.
You lead by example and I will continue your teachings. Not perfectly but the best that I can.
Just love each other were the last words I heard her say.
It is an honour to have you as our mother.
It is an honour to have you as a friend.
It is an honour to be your daughter.
Thank you for instilling in us, values, strengths, and a strong presence of love.
Soar high Ma. You are free.
Thank you for Being You.
I love you xxx